Happiness

Happiness is an accomplishment. I just read that in my book and it seemed so profound that I had to write it down. I quickly poured my second cup of coffee, added half and half and rushed to the computer, mumbling the phrase in my head so I wouldn't forget it. It's true.

It doesn't just happen accidently. It's an unnatural state of mind and it takes work, effort to elevate yourself to happiness. It must be pursued.

So this morning, when I was sitting on the edge of my bed after turning of my alarm, trying to work myself down to doing pushups, I realized I wasn't happy, and I was going to have to work at it today. That right there is a big change: I remember having grumpy days and happy days and more of the former than the latter. And now I know that it's up to me and I can change and choose how I feel, or rather how I want to feel.

I read a lot of fiction. Probably 99%. But I find more truths there than I ever did in non-fiction books. Authors are more honest. They have nothing to prove. No one is going to take their books completely seriously so they can say whatever they want. They can spill their deepest darkest and lightest thoughts and hopes and dreams and fears. Volumes of thought.

I read authors. I find a good one and read everything he/she ever wrote. I notice themes throughout the novels that the author might not even be aware of. Certain characters, certain places, definitely certain ideas. And through all the books they write, you learn about the person writing and you want to meet them and talk about the things you learn. S.M. Stirling. Cory Doctorow. Kim Stanley Robinson. Anne Rice. And many many others over the years. Edgar Rice Buroughs.

So I'm glad I have tools to use in my pursuit of happiness. Minute Forces I call them. I have writing my blog, cleaning my room, eating a good breakfast, drinking good coffee, taking pictures, and number 6, doing pushups every morning. I know I don't have to be perfect and that I can skip some or all if I have to. But most of the time I can turn a down day into a fine or even a happy day by doing these things. They make me happy. They make me feel good about myself.

Doing something for myself. That point never got through to me when I was married for some reason. I knew or thought I knew that it was my job to make sure Jamie was happy. It's not. My job is to try to be happy myself, to be whole myself, to be someone you want to be around. Not a drain or a black hole, sucking the life out of everyone around me, only happy when they're down in the muck with me. I should fill myself so full of minute forces and happiness that it leaks out the seams, gooey puddles of joy that people can't help but to step in, contagious, spreading. I notice it at work in my favorite position, the Baser. The first person to deal with the customer. I love that the best. I can be calm and happy and smile and greet each person like I'm happy to see them, and I am. Black, white, asian, female, male, she-male, lesbian, old, young, quiet, angry: I've met them all.

I don't get upset when they change their order mid-sandwich. I don't rush them when there is a line and the finisher next to me is anxiously trying to move things along. I treat them as a person and make their sandwich pretty, just the way they want it, just the way I would want it. And sometimes I look up and over at the register, the last stop in the line, and I hear them talking to the owner about the service and how great it was and how good the food was and how they're just a little happier now. And I know I did my part. And I still like going to work.

I feel different now than I did upon waking. I had to stay quiet for most of that first hour. I had coffee waiting for me when I got home though, and knew a book would relax me more. And then I found something I was excited to write about. And now I'm ready for my day. The sky is blue and the air is bright and crisp. The world is calling to me and I don't need to hide from it. I can handle the world now and even make it a better place. I can pursue my own happiness, and I am. Are you? To Be Continued…